Things I pretend I understand about gardening!

There are lots of things about gardening that I nod along to, smile about and pretend to understand. I love gardening, I really do. I like getting my hands dirty, buying plants with lots of hope and then watching to see what survives but there is so much that I don't understand. Today I thought I’d share the things I pretend I understand about gardening.

Soil types!

Clay, loam, sandy, chalky. People say these words with confidence, like they were born knowing what’s under their lawn. Me, I dig a hole and think, yep, that’s dirt! Apparently, soil type affects drainage, nutrients and plant happiness. I get the idea but when someone says, "This won’t do well in a certain soil," I nod like I’ve tested mine in a lab rather than poked it with a spade and shrugged.

Pruning!

Pruning is one of those gardening skills that sounds very serious. There are rules, seasons, angles and words like "node" and "deadheading" get thrown around and I smile politely. In reality, my pruning style is best described as chopping it and seeing what happens. If it looks messy, it gets cut, if it’s poking me in the eye, it definitely gets cut and if it hasn’t done anything exciting for months, snip. I know you’re meant to prune at the right time, or you risk ruining next year’s flowers. I pretend I know when that is but half the time I’m stood there with secateurs thinking this feels like the right moment. Sometimes it works and sometimes the plant dies and I pretend that was part of the plan.

Annuals vs Perennials!

I always think I know the difference between annuals and perennials. Then spring rolls around and I’m standing in the garden centre thinking, will this come back next year or am I committing to buying this again? Annuals are for one season, gone forever and perennials come back every year. Simple! Then every single year I forget!

Feeding plants!

Plants need food. That makes sense but the advice around feeding is wild. Feed weekly, feed monthly, don’t overfeed but also don’t forget. There's liquid feed, slow release and tomato feed for everything. I pretend I have a system. I do not! What I actually have is a vague memory that I fed something recently and a fear that I might burn the roots if I do it again. Sometimes I stand there holding a bottle of feed thinking you look hungry, which is probably not how it works. Other times I forget completely and then panic feed everything at once!

Latin plant names!

I love plants, I love flowers and I love a walk around the garden centre, but the Latin names are not for me. I admire people who casually drop them into conversation. "Oh yes, my Lavandula angustifolia is doing well." All while I am saying things like I like, the purple smelly one! I pretend I recognise the names when reading labels but really I’m scanning for pictures and the words “easy care. If a plant needs me to remember a complicated name and keep it alive, that’s asking a lot.

Companion planting!

Companion planting is fascinating. Did you know that some plants help others grow, some keep pests away and some don’t get along? It’s all the garden friendship drama! I love the idea of planting things strategically so they support each other. I pretend I understand which plants should be neighbours but in reality, I just plant things where there’s space and hope they sort it out themselves.

Knowing when something is established!

People say things like "Once it’s established, it’ll be fine." When is that exactly? A week, a month, a year? I pretend I know when a plant has crossed the line into being self-sufficient. What actually happens is I either water it forever out of fear or forget about it entirely because it looked okay last time. Sometimes a plant survives despite me and other times it clearly needs more attention and I apologise to it quietly while pulling it out.

Garden tools!

There are so many tools. Apparently, each one has a specific purpose and makes life easier. I pretend I know which one to use when. Half the time, I grab whatever is closest and make it work. I own tools I’ve used once and tools I use for everything they were never designed for. I only found out a little while ago that there is a difference between a spade and a shovel!

Pests and beneficial insects!

I know we’re meant to welcome certain insects into the garden. They’re helpful, they keep things balanced and I get it and I support it from a distance. When someone points out the benefits of insects, I pretend I know what they're on about but in my head I think, as long as you’re not eating everything, we’re fine! Me and slugs are not friends. I’ve tried to be calm and nature loving about it but when they eat something I’ve been proud of, I am ready to fight!

Gardening for me is less about knowing everything and more about just having a go. I pretend I understand a lot because that’s half the fun. I learn as I go, make mistakes and laugh at myself a lot.

What don't you understand about gardening?