How many times can I complain It’s too hot before the end of August?

I love summer, I really do. I look forward to it all winter. Every time I’m shivering waiting for a bus or having to put the heating on in January I tell myself just wait in July you’ll be warm again but what I forget year after year is that the British version of warm is not the charming Mediterranean glow I always imagine. Oh no, it’s the kind of heat that makes your back stick to every chair, you sweat in places that you didn't even know you could sweat and your inner thighs stage a protest with each step you take. We’re not equipped for this in the UK. We don’t have air con, we don’t have breezy open plan villas. What we do have is brick houses built to trap warmth and streets that melt under the pressure of anything over 25°C.

So here I am at the middle of July wondering how many more times I can dramatically declare It’s too hot! before the end of August arrives. Honestly, I might be on a personal record and I know I’m not alone it seems to have been extra warm over the last month or so. I grew up thinking 22C was proper hot, it really wasn't. So this whole business of waking up to a house that feels like a oven is just unnatural. 

Complaining about the weather is basically a British national sport. Rain, we whinge. Snow, we panic. Wind, we sigh with disgust at the bins flying down the road and sunshine we rejoice for 0.5 seconds and then crumble like a chocolate bar left on the dashboard in a car.

The first complaint came early from me at the start of June. A little heatwave started and everyone was giddy. We embraced it at first. The washing dries in an hour, the kids stop tracking mud through the house, people have conversations saying things like smells like a BBQ and have you got the fan out yet? It was bliss for about about 48 hours. Then the air got sticky, the bedrooms became like a sauna and I started sleeping with just a thin sheet on me.

I am not built for heat. Every day I wake up thinking maybe today will be a bit cooler but the only thing cooler is the inside of the fridge which I keep opening not for food, but for relief. By 10am, I’ve already said it’s too hot once in the mirror while trying to tame my humidity filled hair, my hair also hates the heat! By noon I’ve said it out loud to the postman who looks worryingly cheerful and by 3pm I’ve messaged my friend three times just the phrase TOO HOT in all caps because that’s the emotional support I need!

I’ve noticed that when I’m overheating my patience also evaporates. Everything feels ten times more irritating. Anything with a waistband becomes the enemy. If it’s not stretchy, loose or made entirely of cotton or linen, I’m not wearing it! Don’t even talk to me about bras. Whoever invented underwire clearly never experienced underboob sweat! Cooking is such a chore, even more so than usual and other people’s cheerfulness winds me up. I see someone smiling while sunbathing and I want to shout are you really enjoying being baked alive?

I miss sleep. I open the curtain on a night to let whatever breeze there is in but by about 5am in the morning the sun is shining in heating up the room. I get irrationally angry at my fella because he gets up then and doesn't have to lay there trying to sleep in the heat forgetting about the fact he has to get up at 5am and I wouldn't want that either. I shut the curtain and doze off back to sleep for a couple of hours still waking up sweaty and tangled in my thin sheet.

I got so happy last week when it looked cooler and the rain came but guess what? It was still hot and not even the nice kind of hot, it was sticky and no fun being hot and soaked from the rain. It is not easy to dress in that weather. I did think about wearing my sandals and just putting up with wet feet but it didn't feel right so I put my boots on and of course my feet felt like lava! I have waterproof jackets but it was too warm for them so ended up going out with just a cardigan and my trusty umbrella! Thank goodness it wasn't windy.

Yes, I complain but no I don’t want it to end because I remember what comes after this the cold, dark nights and arguments about whether we should put the central heating on. At least in the summer I don’t have to warm my jeans on the radiator before wearing them, ice cream is my go to meal and I get to wear all the pretty dresses!

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go put my head in the freezer for five minutes and say too hot under my breath like a summer chant!

Do you think it has been too hot?